Something to consider is whether or not money might ever have had an unhealthy grasp on you, and whether or not it does now.
#1: What role has money played in your life?
For me, money has been a protector, a source of stress and despair, and certainly a status symbol. I have been earning, saving and spending money in that order, repeated and replayed over and over since I can remember.
My idea of money began with my family, as I imagine is true for most of us. Money was something from which I derived great excitement as a child. It felt amazing to have money and to think about getting more of it. My brother and I spent hours counting our money (picture a couple of greedy kids counting Halloween candy after a lucrative night of trick-or-treating) . We examined our money and learned that each coin or bill had a year printed on its front showing its age. We discussed profoundly, our thoughts on the age of the money, how it is made and where it had been before it reached our little hands.
Our wealth is so relative. We live in a society that worships money.
How is it that we learn from such a young age that money defines our value?
Money’s presence in our lives, or often lack thereof in my family’s case, spoke volumes. At times, money was an indicator of what was missing in our lives. In others it showed that we were doing pretty well. I have felt less than others because of money. I have also felt like I was better than others.
#2: Where did you get your idea of money from?
One of my earliest memories of money is perhaps one of my only memories of my dad’s father, who we called “Granddad”. During my early childhood, my extended family lived within walking distance. My father and three of his siblings lived on property which had once been part of 2 large farms, adjacent to one another. Our family had owned and operated these farms since the 1800s. Granddad and Uncle Terry lived around the corner in one of the old farmhouses, which we accessed by walking behind our house and down a path we called our “back driveway”.
My cousin, Jenny, who is 5 years my senior, was always at my house, Much of my early socialization came from playing and spending time with her. When she was eight and I was three, and I recall her saying to me, “I like Granddad. He always gives me money”. How I knew what money was at that age is beyond me. But I did.
The next time my father brought me down the back driveway to Granddad’s, I recalled what Jenny had said, and was hoping I’d be given some money too! Sure enough, Granddad, who either couldn’t or chose not to say my name correctly (he called me Ket-tulip) gave me a small leather change purse. It even had some change inside! Boy, was I excited to have money. What I would do with it at age 3, I couldn’t tell you. I felt very special though. Having money was important, and I had just earned my first few cents. I was sold.
Money never made a man happy yet, nor will it. The more a man has, the more he wants. Instead of filling a vacuum, it makes one.
Benjamin Franklin
Understanding my “relationship status” with money
In the nearly 40 years since I was three, my affinity with money has ebbed and flowed over the years, but also has largely remained the same. Earning money, and even more so being gifted money, causes a dopamine rush for me. I recall this being the case for most of my life. I have evidence of this from as early of an age as three, after all!
A few weeks ago, my mother and I were spending time together and the topic of how we are with money from childhood through adulthood came up in conversation. Another cousin, Jenny’s younger brother, is now an adult who we consider to be a money hoarder. My mother commented on how he has been a money hoarder since he was little. When he was about five years old, his mother used to say he had more money that she did! I can vouch for this.
#3: Have I always been the same with money?
Reflecting on my younger cousin, and his habitually cheap way with money, prompted me to reflect on my own relationship with money. I asked my mom this question. Then I declared, “I think I have been”. This is something I hadn’t thought about much before.
In my younger years, I visited my aunt’s house to “work” and was paid me by the hour. I cleaned and washed windows. Sometimes walked the dog, or weeded the gardens. I went home with probably between $15 and $30 each time, depending on the duration spent there. Similarly, my mother and grandmother paid me to help clean our family camps, and sometimes to help with chores at my grandparents’ house. These chores were significantly more labor intensive than those performed at my aunt’s. Still, it felt good at the end of the day to get that wad of cash, and to feel part of something.
The money I earned “working” for my family members was mostly saved, with a desired purchase in mind. Most of the purchases I saved for in my elementary school age and preteen years were toys and music. I collected Sweetie pups in 3rd grade, and since my mother did not agree I needed so many, I had to buy them myself. I also loved New Kids on the Block at around the same age. Paula Abdul was another one of my favorite musicians. I purchased their tapes, and sometimes posters, buttons and t-shirts too.
Around the same time I was acquiring all of these tapes, I realized I needed a better tape player. One that could record off of the radio, and that could make copies from other tapes is what I had in mind.
One of my favorite past times at home was looking through department store catalogs. I found a purple dual cassette player and recorder in the Service Merchandise catalog (if you’re not familiar, read this) that I just had to have. It came with decorative colored plastic pins which were for making designs on the speakers. I was so excited about the prospect of having this tape player, that I saved my money until I had enough.
As I was saving, I routinely asked my parents when they would take me to the mall to get it. My mother seemed to not agree with my always wanting to buy things from stores. She is more of a minimalist and certainly more of the conservative side when it comes to spending money.
My father was the opposite. He believed if you have interests, you should pursue them, regardless of the cost.
Dad also valued music, having been a guitar player for many years. Logically, he was nominated to take me to go blow all my money . I pestered him and whined about how badly I wanted this tape player until he took me to get it. It seemed like a lot of money at the time, though I don’t recall it taking too long to save up the cash.
My spending style was that I would save up until I had just enough to buy something I wanted, then use all the money I had on it. This continued into my teenage years. As my musical taste evolved, I longed for more and a greater variety of tapes, which then became CDs. Every time I fell in love with a song on the radio, I wanted the album. Most of the time I bought it, though sometimes I could copy a recording from a friend or cousin who beat me to it.
When I was in high school, I continued building my music collection, and also subscribed to Rolling Stone Magazine (hey there, 90s..!), a subscription that opened up another galaxy of possibilities for discovering new music. In middle school, I paid more attention to advertisements on the radio for concerts in our town and nearby. I wanted to go to those too! Therefore, I needed more money to make that happen.
Additionally, beginning sometime in middle school, I became unhappy with the clothing my family provided. I wanted more outfits, and the namebrands that other kids in school were wearing. My mom and I were able to make deals over this. She would pay for as much as she deemed reasonable for the quality and amount of clothing I requested. I had to make up the difference. This looked like her putting in $50 towards a pair of sneakers, and I contributed another $30 or so for the $80 shoes she thought were excessive. If I wanted more than 5 pairs of jeans, I had to buy the others myself. If I desired more expensive jeans than were available in the outlet stores or on sale at JCPenney, I had to put in the extra money for them.
Fast forward to now, and I am still spending money on concerts and “toys”, like electronics and recreational sporting equipment. I also like to have a new (used) vehicle every 5-10 years. I purchased a house after I inherited some money, and then spent every penny, and then some toward the down payment. The amount of money I’ve spent on veterinary bills in the last 10 years on the two dogs I’ve considered family is close to what my college education cost.
I work, but I also spend.
I’ve put $6000 on a credit card because I knew that would be the only chance my dog had to live. Fortunately, I have chosen civil service and public school employment, and therefore I am paying into a pension and an additional savings account. My earnings are not excessive, but hover around the median average household income for a family in my region.
I’ve read stories about poor or ordinary people who suddenly acquire a fortune and quickly lose it all. This seems to be a personality trait. The way we are with money is reflective of personality, which is said to be relatively fixed and stable throughout one’s lifespan (more on that here). To improve one’s spending habits requires a decision to change. I am still assessing whether or not I have a healthy or unhealthy relationship with money.
PS- Money disorders are a thing. Google it. Or read this article.
#4: Finally, the Million Dollar Question…
