We’ve all been there. A difficult situation presents itself and it seems like there are two clear pathways.
Pathway A is the one that instinctively makes more sense, as it will be predictable and offers stability. Pathway B is the more risky option, and is the one you WISH you could take, if only circumstances were different for X,Y or Z reasons. But Pathway B has an allure that ‘A’ simply does not. It excites you to think of B’s possibilities and all of the unknowns that come with it. Don’t get me wrong, it makes your stomach a little queasy to think about, and it freaks you out a little. But then, isn’t anything that’s worth doing a little unnerving at first?
It will surprise almost no one to learn that a huge part of making positive changes is learning to embrace discomfort.
How will you know if you never try, others will ask? The biggest mistakes come from playing it safe and never stepping into your true best version of your kick-ass self.
I’ll admit, I’m a self-help junkie these days, listening to podcasts and reading books and blogs about how to make positive changes and realize your true potential. But even though I seem to be seeking out these messages, it feels as a society, we’re coming to arrive at something that feels a little fresher.
It seems that playing it safe and going with the status quo is becoming a norm of the past.
Stability, predictability, 2.2 kids and a white picket fence aren’t what most people want any more. So why should we make choices that keep us on such a narrow trajectory and do not encourage personal, career or spiritual growth? There are countless examples in popular culture, coming from more than a decade now of millennials and other creative thinkers, and even just from regular people who are rejecting the norms and expectations set by generations and generations before us. Tiny Houses. Bicycling across the United States as a vacation. Taking a gap-year, or a few years! Minimalism. Plant-based diets. These are all ideas that seemed radical at one time or another, but now are much more commonplace.
What these alternative life seekers have managed to cultivate causes a lot of us who have been trudging along on a familiar path to feel really freaking jealous! So what do we do with those feelings of envy and annoyance? If I had to guess, I would say most of us make excuses about why we could never live in a 200 square foot space, give up meat, sugar, alcohol, TV or whatever it is. Who would want to spend their vacation using their free time to exercise to the point of exhaustion? That sounds terrible.. or does it?! We all have friends or relatives who have always seemed to embrace a punk, hippie or eccentric type of lifestyle in one way or another. It comes to no surprise whatsoever that Cousin Zephyrus is living in a yurt and raising goats somewhere in South America. Nobody would have pinned him for a suit-wearing stockbroker or a clock-punching union-strong kinda guy.
But what about the rest of us? Those of us who have never fully embraced this idea of what we’re “supposed to do when we grow up”.
I’m realizing that most people seem to just fly by the seat of their pants and make decisions in the moment, based on what’s happening right now in their lives. And if it leads to a traditional pathway up the corporate ladder and a nice home, some beautiful children and a spouse, and wonderful friends to vacation and enjoy dinner parties with, awesome. But if it doesn’t? Are we going to wallow and feel bad for ourselves? Maybe we have a list of petty reasons why we wouldn’t want that kind of success anyway and we find reasons to look down on those who seem like they have it all figured out?
Most of us might be best served if we opt to slow down and take a good look at ourselves from within. Then take whatever time is needed to hone in on what it is we really want, and start taking steps to get there.
As wonderful as it may sound to be able to take a step back from our busy lives for self-reflection, most of us don’t do that.
Can we grow if we live this way?
What I am discovering, is that some people already feel like their lives are pretty good. They like their jobs, they are satisfied with their place in the social hierarchy, with their socioeconomic status and the friends and family they surround themselves with. And hats off to them! I, on the other hand, can’t imagine feeling like everything I always dreamed of was already in place in the life I’m living. Which perhaps is healthy. If we already feel content and satisfied, then where do we go from there?
Stagnation to me, is more frightening than attempting something which seems difficult, and then failing.
One of the mantras I strive to live by, but also one I find hard to embrace much of the time comes up from from time to time. It presents itself when I’m in a predicament or facing a difficult decision which seems to have no good solution.
Likely this comes from having a background in counseling, and working with adolescents, college students and a bunch of friends who have shared their struggles. When presented with someone else’s problem, I am usually quick to think of a solution or idea. Even though it might not be something that feels 100% solid, I usually stand by my advice and have no trouble encouraging my friend/student/client to follow it through. So why is it so hard to make these sorts of decisions and feel confident when it comes to solving my own problems?! It may seem like ramblings to hear about how it’s becoming more and more commonplace to accept alternative lifestyles, and how the status quo isn’t for everyone.
However, this is how I truly feel!
Parents of course will have expectations for their children and grandchildren. Institutions will continue to embrace and enforce standards. It is important to look at how these expectations and standards will translate across populations and demographics, however. We take for granted how everyone is different, and just because something works well for 99% of the population, or for you or your brother or mother, doesn’t mean it’s right for your child, friend, employee or the next person.
Just imagine a world where everyone could feel safe and secure enough within themselves and in their environments to live this way. So many marginalized groups exist in our society, based on gender identity, skin color, national origin, abilities and disabilities, and the list goes on. So when it comes to lifestyle choices, I’m all about being on the fringe if that’s what seems the most fitting, as long as it isn’t at the expense of others, or yourself.
Today my boss brought up a conversation we had just before I agreed to take the job she was offering. At the time when we were speaking, it reinforced that she was making the right decision hiring me.
I said I would take the job despite my reservations, because it’s what advice I would give to a friend or someone else in the same situation. My decision was to follow my own advice.
Hearing this story from her almost a year later aggravated me a little. I’ve just recently come clean with myself in regards to my finances, and am realizing how broke I am from taking such a big pay cut 9 months ago! This situation may require a little more background for readers.
I had been on a “soul searching”, “finding my purpose” kind of journey. One I was taking more seriously than usual. One that involved trying out different life changes for oh, about 3 years, on a premeditated journey towards self-fulfillment.
Making sacrifices, spending money and time on all kinds of things that “felt right”. In many cases, these were building blocks to better health and wellness. A part of this journey was, and probably always will be aligning my interests, skills and creativity with a career. When offered this position, I thought I had come to a great realization. A fulfilling career which could be interesting and would inspire creativity and confidence in me would be worth other sacrifices. Money being the big one.
I had finally just started to feel comfortable. After years of struggling, I could almost afford my life.
Though here I was, applying and interviewing for new jobs. Then arriving at one which felt like something I actually would enjoy and have lots to offer at, but it would pay 15k less than where I was. Also, I would have to drive 25 minutes each way, compared to a 10 minute drive. After the initial offer, I basically decided I couldn’t take this job because of the pay. But that idea made me angry.
It felt like it was against who I am and what I believe in.
From my inner core, I believe that fulfillment is worth more than money and possessions.
If you enjoy what you’re doing, the rest will fall into place.
Sacrifices that lead in the right direction are worthwhile. This job offer had ignited a conflict within myself! If it were another person in this situation who was dissatisfied with their job and other parts of their life that tied into purpose, health, wellness and self-actualization, OF COURSE I would tell them to go for this job offer, whatever the pay! It wouldn’t be forever. Who cares if you don’t get paid very much while you’re getting the experiene and connections you feel are necessary to pivot? What if you could move in a direction that proves to be much more fulfilling?
The decision was made.
I chose to take the job and to accept the risk and uncertainty of what was to come. Vaguely, I can now recall when my now boss called me after I had a weekend to think about my response to the offer. In fact I did offer her some further explanation of how I had arrived at my decision. After she mentioned it all these months later, that did sound like something I would say. Something I did say.
Fast forward to present day and I’m still not convinced it was worth it. Would I have made a different choice if given another opportunity?! I don’t believe so. As overworked, broke and worn out as I have felt from the last 9 months, I wouldn’t have chosen to stay put. Because I still believe the risk was and is worthwhile. Do I like that I feel that way? Not necessarily. Or not all the time, is the real answer.
It would be so much easier to just accept what seems like the status quo and what brings others fulfillment:
- good pay
- stability
- predictability; and
- the comfort of not having to undergo a big change like a new job.
So many people find that kind of situation that I had to be a gift. They stay put for years, if not their entire careers. They’re not constantly evaluating whether or not their 9-5 hours are spent doing what they feel is their life’s calling. But I’m not those people. I never will be.
It can be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the goddamn truth!
So here we have it, for better or for worse;
Why following the advice you would give someone else in your situation can be such a difficult mantra to embrace.